


Push and Pull

by soonkyuu



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, Self-Esteem Issues, Shower Sex, mild homophobic themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26210851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonkyuu/pseuds/soonkyuu
Summary: He’s looking right past Soonyoung. It’s a deliberate act, Soonyoung thinks, Jihoon is not allowing eye contact right now. Soonyoung understands, Jihoon has limits. He has a lot of limits, but Soonyoung understands. It doesn’t frustrate him, he reminds himself.“Hey,” Jihoon says, Soonyoung can see him swallow before continuing his words, “I’m going to take a shower.”
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 123





	Push and Pull

**Author's Note:**

> This is a messy and not beta'd stream of conscious fic. Sorry if it's a little unfocused. I'm particularly not happy with the end, but that's just how it goes sometimes. I hope you can enjoy it anyways :)

Two light knocks reverberate through Soonyoung’s wooden door. When he opens it, Jihoon is standing there. He’s holding a towel and he’s looking right past Soonyoung. It’s a deliberate act, Soonyoung thinks, Jihoon is not allowing eye contact right now. Soonyoung understands, Jihoon has limits. He has a lot of limits, but Soonyoung understands. It doesn’t frustrate him, he reminds himself. Jihoon lets a moment of quiet play out between them. It’s not actually quiet, Soonyoung can hear hints of music slipping out of Vernon’s earbuds in the room behind him. He can hear two of the others talking somewhere down the hall. Someone is walking around downstairs.

“Hey,” Jihoon says, Soonyoung can see him swallow before continuing his words, “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Oh. Okay,” Soonyoung says without thoughts. He’s bad at that, thinking before he speaks. Jihoon is the exact opposite. Quiet and pensive, choosing his words carefully. Soonyoung speaks almost on reflex, words tumble out of his mouth the moment he thinks them.

Jihoon nods and walks away down the hall. Soonyoung stands in the doorway watching him retreat dumbly. He does a lot of that too, probably too much of that, he thinks. He thinks a lot of people think he’s dumb, and maybe he thinks that too sometimes. He’s definitely too dense to wrap his head around that exchange, for certain. They don’t have schedules right now, so they have no showering order. Jihoon doesn’t have to ask for permission to bathe.

Before he even realizes he’s opening the door to the bathroom. That isn’t weird, he reassures himself. Popping into the bathroom to brush your teeth while someone else showered was an expected norm in their dorm. There was simply too many of them to get everything done without overlap. When Soonyoung pulls his shirt off he isn’t thinking, just acting. He acts without thinking just like he speaks without thinking. He’s been trying to get better at that, he thinks, as he pulls open the glass shower door.

Before he can think, dissect, understand what he’s doing, he’s framing Jihoon’s body with his own. He finds himself trying to make eye contact and gives himself a mental reprimand that no, that isn’t allowed, Jihoon hasn’t allowed it yet. Jihoon’s black roots are showing, hair dye faded. His bangs are too long, Soonyoung thinks, with his hair wet like this I can barely see his eyes.

When Soonyoung touches him, Jihoon lowers his head, chin practically touching his chest. He sighs, but it’s all tension, no release. Soonyoung curses the inches he has over Jihoon. Maybe if he was shorter, or Jihoon was taller, he might just be able to see his face.

Jihoon whines, body stiff and tense through it all. Soonyoung knows he’s stressed, he’s stressed almost all the time. He has a lot to carry, more than any of them. Soonyoung respects that, he thinks that before he sees Jihoon as a friend, he sees him as a person deserving respect. He does a lot for them, he always has.

Jihoon’s tightness unravels as the water washes away his stress. It’s Soonyoung’s turn to feel his muscles tighten. It’s unexpected, Jihoon’s reciprocation. They have always been push and pull. Soonyoung pushes, Jihoon pulls away when he’s had enough. Soonyoung dips his head too, a mirroring. He looks at Jihoon’s hands. He’d always thought Jihoon had pretty hands, his nails, the veins. Delicate but not feminine. When had he started thinking that, again? Had he even had the thought before now? His forehead falls against Jihoon’s and he pauses briefly, but he allows it. Soonyoung closes his eyes and breathes deeply. Before he knows it, Jihoon pulls his hand away, sticky. He’s still catching his breath, sorting his thoughts, when Jihoon opens the shower door this time. Jihoon has pulled away, finally, from Soonyoung’s push, and it is almost a relief. How things should be, Soonyoung pushes, Jihoon pulls. Soonyoung is standing dumbly again, this time water pounding against his back. Had Soonyoung really been pushing? Was Jihoon pulling away from Soonyoung, or pulling Soonyoung towards him?

__

Jihoon falls into a languid rhythm, and like every rhythm he creates, Soonyoung wants nothing but to follow it. Every beat Jihoon creates is better than the last, and Soonyoung is practically incapable of stopping his body from following it. Once a week, usually somewhere in the middle, Jihoon will tell him that he’s going to take a shower. It’s never phrased as an invitation, but Soonyoung knows it is. They have a pattern, and it is safe. Soonyoung touches Jihoon, then Jihoon touches him. Soonyoung is afraid to break the pattern. He doesn’t want to mess things up, use the wrong scale or move on the off beat.

Soonyoung counts himself lucky that Jihoon gives him certain allowances that he doesn’t give others. They are good friends, but Jihoon has other good friends, and Soonyoung does as well. Jihoon doesn’t let his other good friends touch him in the way that Soonyoung does, though, and that means Soonyoung is somehow different than them. Jihoon lets Soonyoung touch him without direct permission. He can put an arm around his shoulder or hug him if he wants to, and Jihoon won’t tense up or push him away. He doesn’t let Mingyu do that, Soonyoung thinks, and he’s proud. He’s special, at least to Jihoon.

It didn’t use to be that way, Jihoon used to spurn physical contact entirely, sometimes violently. He’d thrash away from him when they were young. He remembers when there wasn’t so many of them. On his 16th birthday, Wonwoo came into the practice room with a little cake. They sang him happy birthday. Soonyoung vividly remembers how when he hugged Jihoon, his small frame pushed him away with such force that Soonyoung barely caught himself from falling. Jihoon looked so apologetic yet so guarded. Like a dog who had been startled into biting its owner, Jihoon backed away, guilty but still defensive.

Later, Soonyoung found him in one of the unused practice rooms. Jihoon apologized, but Soonyoung couldn’t understand it. Jihoon was so guarded, didn’t want to be touched, and Soonyoung couldn’t understand at all back then. Jihoon’s reasoning was so vague and incomprehensible to him, but when Jihoon smiled and told him happy birthday, it didn’t matter. Jihoon wasn’t mad at him, they were still friends. They just needed rules, and Soonyoung followed them. Don’t touch, Soonyoung understood. He understood, but he didn’t think before he acted. Soonyoung still touched him, and Jihoon pulled away. Jihoon understood that Soonyoung wasn’t trying to be aggressive. They were two very different people, but with rules, they could get along. Jihoon let Soonyoung touch him in moderation, and Soonyoung felt special. He could hug him, he could put an arm around his shoulders. He understood the rules, and he played within them, and he was winning the game. He didn’t cheat, he won fair and square, and he won allowances.

Now, Jihoon is breaking all the rules. Soonyoung doesn’t know what game they are playing anymore, he doesn’t know what is a rule and what isn’t. Jihoon’s breath is heavy like the steam of the shower, and he reaches out a hand to hold onto Soonyoung’s bicep to steady himself. He’s pulling Soonyoung into him, but he shouldn’t be. It feels like he’s daring Soonyoung to push more than he’s allowed. To make him break the rules, catch him slipping up and punish him for pushing too far. Jihoon must be testing him, he thinks, and so Soonyoung takes care not to touch anymore than he already has. And so, Jihoon keeps pulling away. He leaves the shower, and Soonyoung stands under the stream, backtracking, making sure he didn’t break any rules.

\--

When Minghao became a trainee, he changed things. Minghao had rules too, but not in the same ways as Jihoon. He didn’t dislike being touched, but he had limits.

“Taemin is so cool, don’t you think?” Soonyoung had said, watching the elder performer’s dance practice. Minghao let out a breathy little laugh and said something in Chinese, which made Junhui erupt into giggles. Soonyoung looked to Junhui for context, and Junhui looked introspective for a moment, no doubt parsing out how to phrase it into Korean.

“I’m not sure if this is how you say it in Korean, but he said that he isn’t his type,” Junhui said, stumbling a bit over the foreign language on his tongue. Soonyoung must have made a very confused face, as the two erupted into more laughter.

“Like, ideal type? He’s a guy,” Soonyoung said as the duo continued to giggle to each other. When Minghao explained the he in fact liked guys, Soonyoung was fitting together puzzle pieces. It wasn’t Minghao’s puzzle he was putting together, though, Minghao put his puzzle together himself. Soonyoung was thinking about Jihoon’s rules, his boundaries, his fear. Soonyoung handled Jihoon like a kitten that needed socializing, but maybe he was going about it all wrong.

It wasn’t until years later, after they’d debuted, that Soonyoung was brave enough to let Jihoon know that he’d figured out his puzzle. They had been drinking, celebrating, when Soonyoung went to get some fresh air. His head buzzing, he turned the corner to find Jihoon, looking down at a glowing phone screen. Soonyoung really should have used more tact, but that wasn’t who he was. He spoke without thinking, he couldn’t seem to change that.

“Jihoon, are you gay?” He had asked, breath puffing out and fanning between them like smoke. Jihoon looked up from the screen, eyes as wide as Soonyoung had ever seen them. His hair was dyed dirty blonde, and it glowed golden under his white sweatshirt hood. Like wheat, in a sunset, Soonyoung thinks fondly, tripping over his thoughts wondering why he was thinking something like that at all.

“Yeah, I am,” Jihoon admitted, voice tight, restrained, quiet. Jihoon always spoke quietly now, Soonyoung reflected. When exactly did he start doing that?

“Oh, cool,” Soonyoung responded. Stupid, stupid Soonyoung. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth closed while he thought, for once?

“Who told you?” Jihoon asked, face carefully restrained.

“No one. I just guessed,” Soonyoung told the truth, no one had told him. He had figured out Jihoon’s puzzle by himself. Jihoon ducked his head down.

“It’s really that obvious, huh?” Jihoon said, carefully reigning in any emotion. Soonyoung could see his eyes dampen.

“Shit, no, I mean, you don’t seem super gay, I just thought-” Soonyoung started but felt his voice falter when Jihoon raised his head again, eyes like daggers.

“If you can figure it out, then it must be pretty obvious,” he said, words just as sharp as his eyes. Soonyoung didn’t know how to respond to that. Too much alcohol, too much venom. He stood, dumbly, as always, his breath mingling into the space between them. He stopped, he held his tongue, he thought, trying his best to focus.

“I’m not stupid, Jihoon,” was all he could muster. Jihoon lightly pursed his lips, inhaled shakily, and rubbed at his wet eyes with his sleeve. Then he pulled away. Soonyoung stood outside the building, in the cold, dumb as ever.

\--

The cap of the shampoo bottle popped and before Jihoon could properly protest, Soonyoung’s hands were in his hair.

“Soonyoung, what are you doing?” Jihoon queried, trying to duck his head away from Soonyoung’s shampoo-slick fingers.

“I’m washing your hair, I can tell you haven’t washed it yet,” Soonyoung informed him simply. He felt the corners of his lips pull upwards involuntarily as Jihoon stilled. He let out a light sigh, disgruntled, but pliant while Soonyoung lathered his hair. Soonyoung moved the shower head to rinse off the soap and once he placed it back, Jihoon raised his head and looked him in the eyes. Soonyoung felt his heart skip a beat as they made eye contact for the first time since they’d started meeting each other in the shower.

“I’m not a child, Soonyoung, I can wash my own hair.” Jihoon said, light defiance in his tone. He wasn’t leaving, he wasn’t pulling away yet. Soonyoung could have him for a little longer.

“I know you’re not a child Jihoon, gross,” Soonyoung grinned at him. Jihoon scoffs and rolls his eyes. He moves to leave but Soonyoung decides to take his chances. He puts his arm between Jihoon and the stall door, blocking his swift exit.

“Return the favor?” Soonyoung asks, and Jihoon looks at him, one brow slightly raised. He huffs and turns his head away, but Soonyoung is almost certain he caught the corner of his mouth lift. Jihoon concedes and washes his hair for him. Soonyoung’s heart swells, not just from the deeply domestic gesture, but because he got Jihoon to talk to him. They’d never said more than a couple words to each other while showering together, yet Jihoon hadn’t pulled away yet. He did, eventually, leaving Soonyoung to finish bathing by himself, but he cherished that he had gotten something more out of him, that he hadn’t found Jihoon’s limits yet.

They hadn’t discussed their shower meetings at all. When they weren’t showering together, they were back to being the same close friends they had been before. Soonyoung wanted to ask, needed clarification, but pushing Jihoon’s limits took courage, and he wasn’t good at that. Usually when he tried to push the limits, it was too far.

\--

The first boy Soonyoung kissed was Seungkwan.

“Yeah, it’s called a stage kiss,” Seokmin explained excitedly. He demonstrated covering Seungkwan’s lips with his thumb, holding his jaw with his hands, and leaning in to kiss him.

“Whoa, it looked like you really kissed him,” Soonyoung said. Seokmin grinned. He was starting to take acting classes on their downtime. He was really excited to try out theater, and Soonyoung was excited for him.

“Here, you try,” Seokmin said, pushing Seungkwan towards him.

“Why am I your stage kiss dummy?” Seungkwan protested, but Seokmin quieted him. If Soonyoung could do it, Seokmin explained, then he’d taught them well. The comment stung, but Soonyoung was used to those. He knew he wasn’t smart. As expected of the dumb one, he got it all wrong.

“Gross, Soonyoung, you just kissed me for real,” Seungkwan pulled away, nose scrunched up in disgust. Soonyoung apologized sheepishly. Seungkwan wiped at his mouth, while Seokmin tried to explain in greater detail how to do such a simple task. Soonyoung tried his best to listen, but his mind was pulling him elsewhere. Seokmin tried unsuccessfully to get Seungkwan to try again. Their bickering eventually led out of the room, Soonyoung left to his own thoughts.

Soonyoung was twenty-one, yet he realized for the first time that he wasn’t sure he knew himself. He didn’t like Seungkwan, and he didn’t like kissing Seungkwan, that was easy to figure out. Who did he like kissing? He’d never really wanted to kiss a girl his whole life, and he realizes that is a milestone he probably should have passed ages ago. When Soonyoung thinks about who he wants to kiss, only one name floats around in his mind. He pushes it down. He doesn’t have room to explore that. He has limits, and he’s almost certain that kissing is past any allowance Jihoon has afforded him.

\--

“Soonyoung, what are you doing?” Jeonghan asks him, all scrutiny. Soonyoung blanks for a moment, lost in another memory and place, one that definitely didn’t include Jeonghan.

“Taking a shower?” He says, lifting the towel up in his hand in clarity. Jeonghan fixes him with a strange look.

“The water’s already running.” Jeonghan states.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Soonyoung lingers, processing.

“You don’t usually take showers with other people, right?” Jeonghan asks, finally breaking their awkward tension just a little.

“Oh. Oh, yeah. No,” Soonyoung stumbled over his words, brain racing to catch up, “shit, I’m really out of it.”

“I think the one downstairs is open?” Jeonghan says, a hint of concern coloring his words.

So Soonyoung goes downstairs, and showers by himself.

\--

Soonyoung grits his teeth, he’s breathing hard but he’s doing his best to be as quiet as possible. His pants hang down by his knees. The man below him, Daejoon, is one of Monsta X’s managers. The first time they’d met, Soonyoung had thought Daejoon was a little too friendly. He thought maybe he was a fan, and was just eager to interact with him. With his mouth around his cock, Soonyoung definitely understands now. He’s here to perform on Music Bank, but Daejoon managed to convince him to slip into one of the bathroom stalls with him. There’s definitely other people here, Soonyoung can hear them, and he prays they don’t look too closely at the four feet clearly visible in this stall.

It’s different than being with a girl in so many ways, Soonyoung thinks. He’d lost his virginity on his twenty-second birthday to a girl, and it was alright. Soonyoung thinks he’s not very good at sex, or at least not yet. His fans like to call him sexy, but he doesn’t think he is. At least not normally. He knows that objectively, he’s not really all that attractive. Sometimes he wonders how he even became an idol in the first place. Daejoon tells him he’s attractive and he doesn’t think he’s lying, but he can’t quite convince himself that he thinks he’s attractive. He reads netizen comments, he looks at rankings that compare him to his members. He knows objectively, he’s not attractive enough. So he overcompensates, he performs. He might not be attractive normally, but he knows how to be sexy on stage. So he keeps pushing himself to be more sexy, more aggressive, more attractive on stage. It doesn’t quite feel right, he’s not that sort of person offstage, but the fans like it, so he keeps working, keeps performing his masculinity as shamelessly as possible. He rambles to Seokmin about how he doesn’t think he’s attractive, and Seokmin launches into his speech on how everyone is attractive to someone, and objective attractiveness isn’t real. It’s not as reassuring as he’s sure Seokmin thinks it is.

Two light knocks reverberate through the wood of his door, and Soonyoung calls out that the door is unlocked. Jihoon opens the door, hair a bit wet. He dyed his hair black a couple days earlier, tired of the faded bleached color.

“Why didn’t you come?” Jihoon asks, voice small. Soonyoung blinks up at him from his seat on his bed.

“Oh. Jeonghan saw me. I couldn’t come in,” Soonyoung isn’t certain how to phrase this. They’ve never talked about these things, never needed to talk about them. Jihoon is silent, he lets Soonyoung’s words in and thinks about them. Soonyoung wishes he could be like that.

“I don’t care if Jeonghan knows,” Jihoon finally declares. He closes the door behind him and comes to stand in front of Soonyoung. Eye contact, Soonyoung notices with happiness.

“Really? Jeonghan? It’s one thing if it was Vernon or someone, but Jeonghan? Jeonghan knowing stuff like that is never good,” Soonyoung rambles, voice catching in his throat while Jihoon sinks to his knees in front of him.

“Is this okay?” Jihoon asks, barely more than a breath. Soonyoung swallows and nods hastily. Jihoon’s pretty hands pull down his zipper and Soonyoung feels like his brain unzipped with his pants.

Jihoon looks best with black hair, Soonyoung concedes, he looks best without makeup too. Soonyoung likes Jihoon best as he his, no filters washing out his skin or disingenuous smile plastered on his face. Jihoon is attractive as is, he’s cute. He’s perfectly Soonyoung’s type, he thinks. He’s not really certain he has a type, but if he did, his type would be everything Jihoon. The cold metal of Jihoon’s ring brushes against his cock and Soonyoung is shaken from his thoughts and suddenly he’s hyper focused on the Jihoon in front of him. His hands, his tongue, his eyes, his nose, his ring. Soonyoung hesitantly reaches out and puts a hand on Jihoon’s head. He doesn’t pull, doesn’t coax, just places a reassuring hand on his head.

Jihoon’s eyes open and he stills. Soonyoung feels the breath gets knocked from his lungs and Jihoon looks up at him and their eyes meet. Jihoon is so pretty, Soonyoung thinks.

Jihoon blushes, and Soonyoung realizes that he didn’t just think that last part. Jihoon darts his eyes away before taking Soonyoung deeper. He doesn’t have time to be disappointed by losing the eye contact, he squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on maintaining his cool as best as possible. He wants this to last.

Soonyoung can’t help but find purchase in Jihoon’s hair as he pushes him over the edge. Soonyoung didn’t mean to not give him any warning, but Jihoon doesn’t seem to be bothered. He swallows and rises to his feet a little shakily. He leaves, and Soonyoung is left with his head spinning. They have a push and pull relationship, where Soonyoung pushes and Jihoon pulls. Why then, was Jihoon the one pushing? Or was Soonyoung using the wrong definition of pulling from the start?

\--

Soonyoung shows his weight too easily on his face. The company and the stylists give him a hard time about it, and he’s clearly not done a good job of dieting recently judging by the earful he’s received. He knows he doesn’t have it too bad, he loses weight fast at least. The company is much harsher on Seungkwan, who loses his weight much slower. Soonyoung spends time in front of the mirror waiting for the makeup artist to start on him. He pinches the fat on his cheek and pouts. He wonders if he really looks all that much better without it. The fans don’t seem all that bothered by whatever weight any of them are at when they promote, and for that he is thankful. He’s broken from his thoughts when Jihoon’s face appears next to his in the mirror.

“What are you frowning about?” Jihoon asks. He’s already in full makeup and hair, it’s just another barrier between them.

“Manager just chewed me out for not losing enough weight before the shoot,” Soonyoung admits, doing his best to smile and keep the mood light. Jihoon frowns properly.

“You look fine, you were too skinny last comeback. You look much healthier now,” Jihoon tells him. It’s sincere. Jihoon doesn’t like to say platitudes. Soonyoung likes that about him, for the most part.

They’re shooting for the picture book for their next album, and he and Jihoon are going to take pictures together. They haven’t done a lot of photos like this in the past, their company likes to stick the sub-units together. Their turn hasn’t come yet, and they’re sitting on the immaculate sofa, keeping decent space between them. Soonyoung drums his fingers against his knees.

“I’m sorry I asked you that. I shouldn’t have asked like that,” Soonyoung says, breaking their shared quiet. Jihoon turns to look at him and eyes him.

“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have blown up on you like that, you weren’t trying to be rude,” Jihoon tells him, and Soonyoung gives him a smile and a nod. They sit in a comfortable silence, but Jihoon isn’t willing to let it go.

“I’m sorry for calling you stupid. You’re not stupid. You’re smart, smarter than people give you credit for,” Jihoon tells him, and Soonyoung knows it’s sincere, because Jihoon doesn’t lie, he doesn’t like platitudes, but somehow Soonyoung can’t convince himself that Jihoon is right.

Jihoon lets him hold his hand in their photo shoot. When the album comes out, he’s disappointed to see that they didn’t use the pictures. He finds himself next to Chan, Minghao, and Junhui, as usual. They really slimmed his cheeks in post, he can’t help but notice.

\--

The interviewer asks Jihoon a question Soonyoung’s heard him be asked many times. What does he write his music about? Jihoon talks about how he’s never been in love, and he writes his lyrics about the bond he has with his members. Soonyoung’s heard that before too, and it’s never felt quite right. It’s a half truth, Soonyoung thinks. Some of the songs Jihoon writes are definitely not about brotherly love. They’re too romantic, Jihoon is shockingly romantic with his lyrics while being absolutely not so in person.

Soonyoung asks Jihoon the question once, but he didn’t like the answer.

“I write about you guys, I’ve said it before.” Jihoon tells him dismissively. Soonyoung frowns and replays the demo Jihoon has given him listening privileges for.

“This is pretty romantic, don’t you think? I didn’t know you felt that way about Wonwoo,” Soonyoung teases. From his place on the sofa Wonwoo doesn’t even lift his head, just huffs in disapproval.

“It’s not a love song about Wonwoo, dumbass,” Jihoon rolls his eyes and pulls his headphones off of Soonyoung’s head, “and even if it was, that’s none of your business.”

“Our love isn’t anyone’s business but our own, Soonyoung,” Wonwoo chastises, turning the page of his book. Soonyoung knows it’s a joke, but something about the idea of Jihoon and Wonwoo being in a relationship stirs something deep in him. Deep set jealousy bubbles in his veins, but he forces a smile and laugh.

\--

It’s not fair, Soonyoung thinks, that Jihoon is so good at singing but also at giving head. What can’t he do with his mouth? Soonyoung shivers as water falls down his back, Jihoon’s nose pressed up against him as he takes Soonyoung’s cock as deep as he can. It’s an unfair advantage, that Jihoon is so good with his mouth, Soonyoung is just playing catch up. He’s not very good at it yet, but he’s trying his best. When did Jihoon find time to get good at this, Soonyoung wonders, and he feels those pricks of jealousy under his skin.

He finishes, and Jihoon allows him to wash his hair. They’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm once again. They meet in the shower, Soonyoung gets Jihoon off, Jihoon gets Soonyoung off, and then they bathe together. Jihoon always leaves before Soonyoung. Soonyoung thinks Vernon has noticed that they are showering together, but he hasn’t said anything about it. 

Recently Soonyoung has been thinking about the past a lot, and he’s decided he doesn’t care if the others notice that there is something happening between them, whatever it is. In retrospect, he realizes that they aren’t the first of them to start fooling around. He figures it’s not unexpected, thirteen guys crammed together into a small space with little privacy, it only makes sense that this sort of relationship would evolve.

He frames Jihoon’s body with his own, arms blocking Jihoon in against the tiled wall. Jihoon looks at him inquisitively, Soonyoung can see his defenses start to build up.

“Jihoon, why are we doing this?” Soonyoung asks. He thought this question through, but couldn’t think of a better, safer, way to ask.

“Do you really need to ask me this while we’re still in the shower?” Jihoon says with exasperation. He’s pushing at Soonyoung’s chest, ready to leave, to pull away again like always, but Soonyoung isn’t done yet.

“Where else would I ask?” Soonyoung questions him, and it’s almost desperate. He wants to know why things have unfolded in the ways they have, and he can’t seem to find the space to ask when it isn’t already happening.

“Soonyoung, get out of the way,” Jihoon pushes a little harder, and Soonyoung acquiesces. Jihoon escapes from the shower, and Soonyoung wants to follow after him. He’s decided he doesn’t like Jihoon’s rules very much, especially if Jihoon is the only one who gets to break them. Jihoon is out of the bathroom fast, and Soonyoung isn’t about to follow him out into the hall dripping wet and naked.

\--

“I love you,” Soonyoung says, droplets of water dripping from his head onto his white cotton shirt. Jihoon blinks at him in disbelief. The cold air on the balcony is freezing on Soonyoung’s still very wet hair. “Please, don’t pull away anymore. I know I’m not much, but if you like me, please just say so. I don’t think I like this anymore,” Soonyoung's words tumble messily out of his mouth, a torrent of emotion he can’t keep under wraps any longer.

“Not much? Soonyoung, what are you talking about?” Jihoon’s brow furrows together, “you’re great, Soonyoung.” Jihoon steps forward a bit unsteadily. Jihoon wraps his arms around him, and Soonyoung realizes he’s crying. He didn’t want to cry in front of Jihoon, but he can’t even begin to make himself stop. Jihoon holds him steady, and Soonyoung drops his head into the crook of his neck.

“I like the way you say my name,” Soonyoung reflects aloud. Jihoon says his name like it’s something precious, something with value. He likes feeling Jihoon’s breath against his skin.

“I’m sorry I’m not good with words, Soonyoung. Every time I try to tell you I care about you, it comes out all wrong,” Jihoon tells him, his voice quiet, the words just for him. “I try to show you in other ways. I wrote half our discography about you. I just can’t bring myself to say it directly. I’m scared, I think.”

Soonyoung hugs Jihoon back, his arms fit so well around his waist. “What are you scared of?” Soonyoung asks him, muffled into Jihoon’s jacket.

“I’m not sure. All sorts of things, I think. Sometimes I think you might reject me,” Jihoon tells him, and Soonyoung understands.

“I feel bad about myself all the time. I don’t think I can handle feeling bad about you too,” Soonyoung tells him. Jihoon hums an acknowledgement into his ear. Cold water splatters onto Soonyoung back and it makes him jerk, but he doesn’t want this moment to be over yet, rain be damned.

Jihoon is cold just like the rain, but there’s a warmth in there that Soonyoung thinks he knows better than anyone. Jihoon is cleansing. When he is with him, his problems melt away. Jihoon is warm in the same ways he is cold. Jihoon can pull out all his flaws with just a few words, yet when he tells Soonyoung he looks good, he knows that to Jihoon that is the truth. If he cannot be happy with himself, Jihoon can be happy with him in his stead.

“I love you too, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says, and the way he says his name is so gentle and loving. Soonyoung knows things are not fixed, but with Jihoon’s arms around him, they seem just a little bit more fixable. Jihoon pulls him deeper into their hug, and Soonyoung decides he was using the wrong definition all along.


End file.
